By on August 4, 2016

The Two Major Complaints That Women Have

In our Love Lab, we found that women have two major complaints about men. The first complaint is: “He is never there for me.” The second complaint is: “There isn’t enough intimacy and connection.” These women feel alone even when they are in a relationship. In many ways, these are related complaints. These women cannot trust their men to be there for them when they need them. Most of the time, this is about being there for them emotionally: listening to them, caring for them, and safeguarding their hearts.



In contrast, men have two major complaints about women: “There’s too much fighting, and there’s not enough sex.” Sound familiar? These men are also lonely even when they are in a relationship. We found that men actually want intimacy just as much as women, but they feel that intimacy when there’s less fighting and more sex.

These separate complaints from men and women are, in fact, causally related and can be addressed through a simple skill we like to call attunement. When men “attune” to their women, there is less fighting, more frequent (and better) sex, and both men and women no longer feel so alone. It is also the skill that leads to genuine emotional connection, which in turn leads to trust, which in turn leads to you giving women the number one thing they need and want. In other words, this is a big deal.

In our interviews in the Love Lab, we asked men and women whether or not they felt they could talk to their partners (especially when they felt sad, angry, or in need of affection), and we discovered a fundamental fact: The fights of many couples result from men dismissing women’s emotions instead of attuning to them. You dismiss a woman’s emotions every time you try to fix them, distract her from them, minimize them, mock them, or ignore them altogether.

A Tune-Up

So why does this attunement thing work for your relationships with women? Women want men who are there for them when they need them. They want men who are interested in them and who care about them.
Woman need to feel respected, heard, and connected. Now before you think, “blah, blah, blah,” let’s look at this as a logical equation.

1. Trait women want most: trustworthiness.
2. Trust is built through: emotional connection.
3. Emotional connection is created through: attunement.
4. Therefore, emotional attunement = trustworthiness.
5. So where can you buy a can of attunement? You can’t. But you can learn it. It’s not complex. It’s not rocket science. And it 6. has a handy acronym, so the next time you’re with a woman you can think: Just ATT-U-N-E.




Give your undivided attention when it’s needed. This means that if a woman wants to talk to you, turn off the game, put away your cell phone, and show by your actions that you care about her and
about what she is saying. Even if it is the minutiae of her day or something that seems unimportant to you, it is important to her and is a request for connection. If you are on a date, direct your attention to the
woman you are with. No scanning the room, no checking out other women, no texting your buddies during dinner. Attention equals affection. Attention ultimately is how you express love.


This is not a metaphor or a new age expression. Physically. Turn. Toward. Your. Partner. Women equate intimacy with conversation that is face-to-face and eyeball-to-eyeball. Biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, PhD, of Rutgers University, says, “Men regard intimacy as playing or working side by side. Their approach to intimacy probably harks back to prehistory: Picture ancestral males gathering behind a bush, quietly staring across the grass in hopes of felling a passing buffalo. They faced their enemies but sat next to their friends.”2 Bottom line: Unless you and your woman are about to take down a buffalo, turn toward her while you talk.